Should you reveal everything about yourself to a ‘new catch’? or in general – a relationship? What if you tell and your supposedly loved one uses all the information you’ve given them against you? Truth and trust are critical pillars in the foundation of a good relationship. However, many people get caught up in the dilemma of what to tell or not to tell when it comes to self-disclosure in relationships.
On one hand, you may fear that your refusal to tell all may bode ill for your relationship, but on the other hand, you may worry that disclosing everything might destroy your relationship before it takes off. So what is one to do when it comes to information sharing?
Well, according a psychologist, either option can make or break your relationship. According to him: ‘In principle, you should tell all because there should be no secrets in good relationships, but if what you want to disclose is a minor thing that happened once or a long time ago, then you can keep it to yourself as it is not likely to ever be discovered’.
It is unnecessary to reveal things that have no bearing or implication for your partner. Additionally, it might be selfish to reveal secrets just because they are an emotional burden that you want to offload on your partner. Before telling, you should weigh the long-term benefits against the short-term drawbacks of revealing your secrets.
It may not be advisable to tell all simply to get it off your chest, but you should also think about how the self-disclosure will affect your relationship in the long term. While you may think that you’re the only one holding onto secrets in the relationship, it is highly likely that your partner may be keeping secrets from you as well.
Secrets are actually a common feature even in the most open relationships. You would be surprised to find out what your partner is keeping under wraps. Nonetheless, if letting out any secret would harm your relationship, then you might have to keep it to yourself.
It would be prudent to conceal details about your past lovers, especially if you are just entering a new relationship. Some men don’t like lovers telling them about their exes and their sexual escapades while others don’t mind. Some people like to compare everything comparable. It doesn’t make sense! Example, don’t go telling your man that your finest sexual encounter was with another man, or that your ex-partner was better endowed.
According to **Jimmy**:
“I already know I’m not the first lover you’ve had. Don’t go rubbing it by telling me how many men you’ve broken up with or listing all your past sexual partners. That number will not add any value to our relationship and it might even strain it.”
If you believe in telling, when then can you tell:
If you have just met someone new and want to let out all your secrets, be careful about how you do it. To begin with, you should never tell all on your first date.
You’ll also need to test whether your new partner can keep secrets before revealing anything too serious.
Evaluate the state of your secrets and the reasons why you think you should tell. For instance, do not hesitate to tell your partner if you are convinced that your secrets are likely to come out sooner or later. This may be difficult especially if you are married, but it is better to come out clean as soon as possible.
When revealing a dark secret, begin by explaining to your partner your motivation for disclosing. You may say ‘I am telling you this because I care about our relationship or because I trust you with this information’. This will help reduce some of the tension, uncertainty and anxiety that might be evoked by telling a secret.
In a nutshell, if the information will not have any bearing on the relationship, it’s better to let it rest. You don’t go playing the good person in the relationship by chronicling all your past events and complain when they start ‘ghosting’.
Oh, and it’s not cool spewing out your body counts….
So, to tell or not to tell?